What we reject in ourselves often is what our partners reject as well.
I was attending my wonderful friend Destin Gerek's conference on Sexuality and Spirituality this weekend, in which he focussed a lot on the battle of the sexes, the demonization of male sexuality, the cat calling debate that is going on currently, and so forth. It was a great weekend.
I was reminded how I had felt about my masculinity in the past.
How I had been ashamed to accept my urges, my wants, my desires, and my needs.
How I had had mainly female friends, because those felt far less threatening to me. Ever since I had been bullied by boys as a child, or maybe because my sexual desires were shamed by society when I was young, maybe my father seemed scary and not trustworthy to me - whatever the reason, and the reason does not even matter - I was not able to trust men as much as women.
And that included myself. I did not trust that part of myself. I did not want to be that creepy guy, the one that has desires. So I tried to shut them off.
That feminine non-threatening way of mine would of course attract all sorts of women that were scared of men. With trust issues. Former victims of sexual abuse.
Of course I had desires anyway, and holding back urges makes desires suddenly erupt like a volcano. Which would lead my non-trusting girlfriends to take off. And me be exactly that kind of guy I was trying to avoid. Insecure. Thinking something was wrong with me.
It was a vicious cycle.
This is the main reason why I attended the Institute for Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality, and the Counseling Institute in San Francisco. I wanted to be able to be there for my next girlfriend that would probably again have a history of abuse. I was not even that serious about wanting to change professions, quit acting and become a counselor - I just wanted to be able to break that vicious cycle.
In hindsight I am positive that I only kept attracting all these women, because I was not accepting myself fully.
The following video of David Deida shows pretty well what a counseling session with me can look like. I love this man.
I by no means mean to reinvent the wheel. I love to use techniques that work. That are ancient, based upon our social history and needs. David Deida is a master in the realm of the sexes. Think of me using different therapists' and coaches' approaches for my practice, using whatever tool works best for my current client.
In my next blog post I am going to go far out, and describe what finally did the trick for me. What changed my behavior for good. My fear of my masculine side. Of course it was more than one event, a lot of thinking, experiencing, wanting, trying and failing preceded it, but the decisive moment, when I was able to let permanently go of my fear of the masculine ... happened during the sexological bodywork training. A training I was highly opposed to, highly sceptical.
These days I believe that somatic sex education / sexological bodywork, whatever you want to call it, can have an incredibly enlightening and healing effect on your life. And that's why I am offering this work for people who want to go deep to overcome fears and trauma, as another part of my counseling practice. You may be afraid, but are willing to overcome your fears or your shame, to live the life of your dreams. It's not for everyone. That's why I offer regular counseling / life coaching as well.
As for me, I finally am not attracting women with a history of abuse anymore. I am in a loving relationship with a beautiful, whole woman, and I love the rest of my community around me. I love my job. And I can not wait to hear from you.