without starting to date my clients - nor starting to counsel my partners.
but counseling and dating can learn a lot from each other.
here's a blog post from my teacher Steve about how he and I like to be in a counseling session:

http://www.interchangecounseling.com/blog/what-dating-and-counseling-have-to-learn-from-each-other/

let's do this:

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/03/ask-polly-how-do-i-act-normal.html

I love this article about consent. Saw this on Rockstardinosaurpirateprincess.com: 

Consent.

It’s been much discussed recently; what with college campuses bringing in Affirmative Consent rules, and with the film of the book that managed to makelack of consent look sexy raking it in at the box office. You may not know this, but in the UK we more or less have something similar to ‘affirmative consent’ already. It’s how Ched Evans was convicted while his co-defendant was not – and is along the lines of whether the defendant had a reasonable belief that the alleged victim consented. From the court documents it appears that while the jury felt that it was reasonable to believe that the victim had consented to intercourse with the co-defendant, it was not reasonable to believe that she’d consented to intercourse with some random dude that turned up halfway through (Evans). The issue in the UK isn’t traditionally in the way it’s dealt with in court, but in the way it has been investigated –new guidance was recently issued to try to improve this.

It seems like every time an article is written about consent, or a move made towards increasing the onus on the initiator of the sex to ensure that the person they are trying to have sex with, you know, actually WANTS to have sex with them, there are a wave of comments and criticisms.

even the comments in response to this cartoon illustrate the depth of lack of understanding of consent


It seems a lot of people really, REALLY don’t get what ‘consent’  means. From the famous “not everybody needs to be asked prior to each insertion” to the student that (allegedly) thought he’d surprise his partner with some non consensual BDSM to that fucking song to almost every damn comment on any article by anyone that suggests that yes meansyes; it seems people really have a problem understanding that before you have sex with someone, and that’s every time you have sex with them, make sure they want to have sex with you. This goes for men, women, everyone. Whoever you are initiating sexytimes with, just make sure they are actually genuinely up for it. That’s it. It’s not hard. Really.

If you’re still struggling, just imagine instead of initiating sex, you’re making them a cup of tea.

You say “hey, would you like a cup of tea?” and they go “omg fuck yes, I would fucking LOVE a cup of tea! Thank you!*” then you know they want a cup of tea.

If you say “hey, would you like a cup of tea?” and they um and ahh and say, “I’m not really sure…” then you can make them a cup of tea or not, but be aware that they might not drink it, and if they don’t drink it then – this is the important bit –  don’t make them drink it. You can’t blame them for you going to the effort of making the tea on the off-chance they wanted it; you just have to deal with them not drinking it. Just because you made it doesn’t mean you are entitled to watch them drink it.

If they say “No thank you” then don’t make them tea. At all. Don’t make them tea, don’t make them drink tea, don’t get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. They just don’t want tea, ok?

They might say “Yes please, that’s kind of you” and then when the tea arrives they actually don’t want the tea at all. Sure, that’s kind of annoying as you’ve gone to the effort of making the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea. They did want tea, now they don’t. Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk. And it’s ok for people to change their mind, and you are still not entitled to watch them drink it even though you went to the trouble of making it.

If they are unconscious, don’t make them tea. Unconscious people don’t want tea and can’t answer the question “do you want tea” because they are unconscious.

Ok, maybe they were conscious when you asked them if they wanted tea, and they said yes, but in the time it took you to boil that kettle, brew the tea and add the milk they are now unconscious. You should just put the tea down, make sure the unconscious person is safe, and  – this is the important bit – don’t make them drink the tea. They said yes then, sure, but unconscious people don’t want tea.

If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it, and then passed out before they’d finished it, don’t keep on pouring it down their throat. Take the tea away and make sure they are safe.  Because unconscious people don’t want tea. Trust me on this.

If someone said “yes” to tea around your  house last saturday, that doesn’t mean that they want you to make them tea all the time. They don’t want you to come around unexpectedly to their place and make them tea and force them to drink it going “BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST WEEK”, or to wake up to find you pouring tea down their throat going “BUT YOU WANTED TEA LAST NIGHT”.

Do you think this is a stupid analogy? Yes, you all know this already  – of course you wouldn’t force feed someone tea because they said yes to a cup last week. Of COURSE you wouldn’t pour tea down the throat of an unconcious person because they said yes to tea 5 minutes ago when they were conscious. But if you can understand how completely ludicrous it is to force people to have tea when they don’t want tea, and you are able to understand when people don’t want tea, then how is so hard is it to understand when it comes to sex?

Whether it’s tea or sex, Consent Is Everything.

And on that note, I am going to make myself a cup of tea.

*I actually said this word for word to a friend in the early hours of Sunday morning after a warehouse party. Tea. It’s fucking brilliant.

interesting article about a new book that's "coming out" on the history of the terms hetero and homosexual, sounds amazing: http://www.salon.com/2012/01/22/the_invention_of_the_heterosexual/

What we reject in ourselves often is what our partners reject as well.

I was attending my wonderful friend Destin Gerek's conference on Sexuality and Spirituality this weekend, in which he focussed a lot on the battle of the sexes, the demonization of male sexuality, the cat calling debate that is going on currently, and so forth. It was a great weekend.

I was reminded how I had felt about my masculinity in the past.
How I had been ashamed to accept my urges, my wants, my desires, and my needs.

How I had had mainly female friends, because those felt far less threatening to me. Ever since I had been bullied by boys as a child, or maybe because my sexual desires were shamed by society when I was young, maybe my father seemed scary and not trustworthy to me - whatever the reason, and the reason does not even matter - I was not able to trust men as much as women. 
And that included myself. I did not trust that part of myself. I did not want to be that creepy guy, the one that has desires. So I tried to shut them off.

That feminine non-threatening way of mine would of course attract all sorts of women that were scared of men. With trust issues. Former victims of sexual abuse.

Of course I had desires anyway, and holding back urges makes desires suddenly erupt like a volcano. Which would lead my non-trusting girlfriends to take off. And me be exactly that kind of guy I was trying to avoid. Insecure. Thinking something was wrong with me.

It was a vicious cycle. 

This is the main reason why I attended the Institute for Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality, and the Counseling Institute in San Francisco. I wanted to be able to be there for my next girlfriend that would probably again have a history of abuse. I was not even that serious about wanting to change professions, quit acting and become a counselor - I just wanted to be able to break that vicious cycle.

In hindsight I am positive that I only kept attracting all these women, because I was not accepting myself fully.

The following video of David Deida shows pretty well what a counseling session with me can look like. I love this man.
I by no means mean to reinvent the wheel. I love to use techniques that work. That are ancient, based upon our social history and needs. David Deida is a master in the realm of the sexes. Think of me using different therapists' and coaches' approaches for my practice, using whatever tool works best for my current client.

In my next blog post I am going to go far out, and describe what finally did the trick for me. What changed my behavior for good. My fear of my masculine side. Of course it was more than one event, a lot of thinking, experiencing, wanting, trying and failing preceded it, but the decisive moment, when I was able to let permanently go of my fear of the masculine ... happened during the sexological bodywork training. A training I was highly opposed to, highly sceptical. 


These days I believe that somatic sex education / sexological bodywork, whatever you want to call it, can have an incredibly enlightening and healing effect on your life. And that's why I am offering this work for people who want to go deep to overcome fears and trauma, as another part of my counseling practice. You may be afraid, but are willing to overcome your fears or your shame, to live the life of your dreams. It's not for everyone. That's why I offer regular counseling / life coaching as well.


As for me, I finally am not attracting women with a history of abuse anymore. I am in a loving relationship with a beautiful, whole woman, and I love the rest of my community around me. I love my job. And I can not wait to hear from you.

Most of American values seem to be based on a protestant view of life, full of shame around sexuality. I loved reading Alice Dreger's article on what it is like to raise a child over here.